


Lay Me Down Gently

by Spoonfulofhoney



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Developing Relationship, Hook-Up, Implied Sexual Content, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15973913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoonfulofhoney/pseuds/Spoonfulofhoney
Summary: Shizuo and Izaya have been hooking up for months, both of them agreed to a no strings relationship but Izaya has begun to get attached. He has no idea Shizuo feels the same way. When Izaya finally confesses he realizes he has a big decision to make, one that might change him forever.





	Lay Me Down Gently

I hate it when he calls yet I pick up every time. Every single time without pause or hesitation. I know what he wants and I want it too so that's why I always say yes whenever he asks me to come over. No strings, no chance of anything developing, it's just sex. Plain and simple. I use him, he uses me, that's the way it has to be, the only way it can be. And yet I can't deny my growing dissatisfaction with the way things are between us, not that there's anything really between us but still, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep saying yes. At the beginning I didn't care, for months I never cared. He would call me, we’d hook up then I would leave. That was it. No talking, no lingering kisses, no promises to each other. And I couldn't have been happier but then one day changed everything. 

I was out walking, on my way to see a client and I spotted him. He was with a blonde girl I hadn't seen before. They looked close and I didn't think much of it but then he smiled at her. He smiled at her the way he only ever smiled at me. I felt something in the pit of my stomach. The woman placed her hand on his shoulder and for some reason I couldn't stand to watch them. I looked away and quickly walked by, but the uneasy feeling remained. I wondered if it was jealously. I told myself that was absurd but still, picturing that woman standing way too close to him made me want to punch something. Why do I care? I asked myself, he can smile at whoever he wants. But I knew that I did care. I knew why too; I was becoming attached. I was getting used to having him all to myself. That was the start of it all. I had told myself to end it with him, tell him it's over but I could never bring myself to say it. 

The night after I saw him with that woman he called me and for the first time I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I knew what he wanted but I didn't want him to have it, I wanted to hurt him, deny him. Seeing him with someone else had affected me. I thought about that woman and I wondered if he was also sleeping with her. I knew what I signed up for and Shizuo had every right to sleep with other people but I couldn't get her out of my mind. His same hands touching her body and not mine. Him calling her instead of me. So I quickly grabbed my phone. I dialed his number and told him I'd be right over. I had to do it, I didn't want him to call her instead. And I had every intention of telling him I was done afterwards, that this would be the last time but I didn't. Every time he would call I would think of her and every time I would come over and though I knew what I was doing with him was dangerous I couldn't stop myself. 

Tonight I'm sitting at my desk finishing up my work and my phone buzzes. When I see his name on my screen I freeze. Maybe tonight I can finally break it off. I would have to do it before we had sex though, I would have to just walk in there and tell him straight then leave like it didn't matter. Thinking about doing that though makes my heart feel heavy. I knew it would hurt me to say it, I'd never see him again but I had let this go on long enough, any longer and I would surely break. 

I answer my phone. I tell him I'll be right over. I don't bother to shower or change into something better I just grab my coat, slip on my shoes and head over there. I run through what I’m going to say to him. I’ll do it quick, just say I'm done and then leave. I'm almost at his building. My heart starts to race. I’m nervous and I hate it. I shouldn't be acting like I’m about to break up with him, we aren't dating so it's not like that, so why is this so hard? I shouldn't care if I never see him again but I do and that scares me and makes me angry at the same time. 

I reach his building and enter. I press the elevator button and will it to hurry up before I lose my nerve. Once inside I clench my fist and remind myself that this is for the better. In no time I'll forget about him anyway. The elevator stops. I get off. The hallway is too quiet, my footsteps too loud. I reach his door and I knock before I get the chance to back out. The door swings open and I'm being pulled inside before I can speak. 

Once inside I immediately notice something is off. Shizuo is just standing there and he's fully clothed. He's normally at least half undressed by the time I get here and he usually wastes no time before dragging me to the bedroom, pushing me down and ripping off my clothes. But he's just standing there, looking at me like he's not sure why I'm here. I can’t wait for him to speak though; I have to say what I came here to say. 

"Shizu-chan, there's something I-" I try to tell him but he cuts me off.

"Izaya" he says and the way he says my name is different. Not sharply, not with wanting. I pause. He comes closer and I step back. I don’t want him to say anything, I just want to say I'm done and leave. But before I can open my mouth he’s already talking.

“I called you for a different reason tonight.” He starts and I don’t like where this is going. “Um…you and I, well we’ve made a deal right, not to get attached but- “I don’t let him finish. I can’t. 

“Shizu-chan, stop. I don’t…I can’t let you finish.” I say and he looks confused.

“Why not? This is important. I'm trying to tell you something, just listen.” He says. 

“I can’t. I have to go now. I only came here to tell you I can’t do this anymore. I can't let this go on any longer so I'm going to go and you're going to let me and then I never want to see you again." I say, not knowing how I managed to say that without my voice breaking. That was way harder than I imagined. I catch the hurt look on his face before I turn towards the door. I feel awful but I have to do this. 

“Izaya, wait.” He says. The pleading tone in his voice makes me hesitate. How can I leave when he sounds so hurt? I'm horrible, I'm going to leave without hearing him out because I'm not strong enough to hear what he has to tell me. I turn to him, wanting to remember this moment.

“Look, I'm sorry but I'm going. I just have to.” I say, willing him to understand. 

He shakes his head. “No, please just listen to me, I don’t know why you won’t. You're acting really weird.” He narrows his eyes, “did something happen?” he asks, concerned. 

I'm shocked. I thought I was doing a good job hiding my feelings. I'm even more nervous now and him staring at me isn’t helping. I can’t stand it anymore. I just want to go and I know he won’t let me unless I tell him the truth. If I just tell him then maybe he’ll back off. He’ll probably never want to see me again anyway. I'm going to tell him, it’s the fastest way to get out of here. My heart is pounding so hard but before I stop myself I just blurt it out.

"I have to go okay…because…because I've developed feelings for you." I say and I’ve never been more scared in my whole life. 

It's out there now, the words hanging there in the too quiet room. Shizuo looks stunned, he's just staring at me, and unreadable expression on his face. I don't know what I was expecting him to say but I at least thought he would say something. I feel so stupid, until this moment I had actually held out hope that he might feel the same way but he's not answering, he’s just looking at me. I'm so embarrassed, I shouldn't have said anything, I lost control. I just want to go home. I turn for the door hoping that if I go through, I can finally leave him behind along with all of my unwanted confusing feelings. I grip the door knob and I’m about to turn it when I feel his hand grab my wrist. I'm being spun around and pulled into his chest. His hand is on my lower back, pushing me into him and I look up at him, his eyes unreadable. 

"W-what are you doing?" I manage to ask. 

There’s something in his eyes but before I can fully comprehend what’s happening he leans down and kisses me. I gasp against his lips but he doesn’t pull away. I'm surprised. His lips are gentle not rough and hungry like all the times he’s kissed me before. This feels different, this feels good. I feel light and I find myself melting into him, my hands rest on his chest as I kiss him back. I feel his heart beating in his chest even through his sweater. He’s kissing me like he needs my air to live. I can’t resist this even if I wanted to. I feel dizzy and I know he’s trying to tell me something with this. His breath is hot and I never want him to stop. I forget what I was supposed to be doing. All I can think about his lips on mine, so patient and full. I never knew he was capable of a kiss like this. His hands let me go and he takes a step back.

I'm bewildered, I have no idea how to react to him kissing me like that. That kind of kiss was definitely not allowed. He has certainly never been so gentle with me before. He normally just uses me anyway he likes without regard for what I feel but just now he was like a different person. What was that kiss supposed to mean? What was he trying to tell me? I'm about to ask but it turns out I don't need to. 

"Stay." he says breathlessly.

I find my voice and somehow if find my earlier resolve. "I can't… I don't know what that kiss was but it doesn't matter, I'm still going." I say, each word difficult to push out. I have to leave, it's the only way I'll ever get back to being myself. 

He moves too fast for me to see. In an instant he's in front of the door, blocking my way. 

"Don't go, not yet. Let me explain myself." He says, and his tone isn't angry which is surprising. 

I think I know what he's going to say. But if he says that it will only make it harder for me to go. If he tells me he feels the same way, then I might end up staying and I'll lose myself even more to my emotions and I'm not willing to let that happen. I shake my head and clench my fist. 

"No. I can't let you. I don't want to hear what I know you'll say. This was a no strings attached agreement remember. I went and got too attached and now you have to let me cut myself free. Move aside and let me go." I say, my voice steady so he'll know I'm serious.

He doesn't move. He shakes his head and locks his gaze onto mine. 

"That's not fair Izaya." He says sadly. His tone throws me. Why isn't he angry? Why isn't he yelling at me? He continues to talk, his voice uncharacteristically calm. 

"You can't tell me you have feelings for me and then not let me explain how that makes me feel. You might not want to hear it, but I need to tell you. I promise that if you let me explain I'll move. If you still want to leave after I'm done I swear I won't stop you." He finishes.

I want to leave. I wish I had never come; I should never had said anything. I wasn't supposed to come in, wasn't supposed to confess. I've just made it harder for myself because if I leave now I won't be the only one who gets hurt. If I leave without giving Shizuo a chance to say whatever he needs to say, then he'll hate me and I never wanted that but I also don't think I'm strong enough to hear his words. However, I have to, but no matter what he says I'm still leaving. 

"Fine. Just tell me then I can finally go." I say, maybe a little too harshly. He wastes no time in telling me. 

"I've gotten too attached to you too." He starts and it's just as I feared. "It was a while back, about a month after we started this. I don't know what exactly triggered it but I was starting to realize the effect you were having on me. I knew what it was when I began to feel like I wanted to kiss you before you left. I began to wish you would stay and that I could just talk with you and hold you and stupid stuff that was not part of our deal." He pauses and I'm not sure I should let him continue. With every word he says I can feel my resolve fading away. He continues when I don't stop him.

"I never imagined that you would feel the same way as me. I thought you were just using me like I was using you. You're so hard to read you know and I'm not very good at figuring stuff like that out but I'm glad you said something because now I can finally tell you exactly how I feel." His brown eyes look so vulnerable, he's about to say something very important and think I'm holding my breath. He steps a little closer.

"Izaya. I'm in love with you." He says shakily as if he scared to admit it. 

His eyes are searching mine but I can't seem to speak. I can't seem to form thoughts anymore. All I hear is that word echoing inside my head. Love? He said he's in love with me. Wait, isn't that how I feel too? It's not like I hadn't considered I loved him but no, I remind myself I can't love him back. Not for a second. I can't let myself fall victim to that. I have to be separate from the world in order to observe it properly, in order to love every human, I can't be with just one. But still, the way he's looking at me now, his eyes so desperate for me to say something. I find myself getting lost in them. I have to tell him everything, I have to tell him it all right now or I never will. I take a breath to calm my nerves and then I speak.

“Shizu-chan. I want so badly what you want. I want to be with you and be held by you and spend hours doing nothing with you." I start and his eyes light up but I can’t look. I turn my head to the side and focus on a lamp by his couch before I continue. "But...if that were to ever happen I'm afraid I'd lose myself and that scares me." He begins to protest but I stop him. "I have to love every human not just one and I do, but with you it's different and I don't like that. If what I feel for you is love, then how could I possibly still claim to love all humans equally when it's clear I love you differently." I stop talking, I think I just told him too much. I look back at him and he's smiling. I'm shocked. 

"Did you just say you loved me?" He asks. 

Crap. I hadn't meant to say that. But it was true anyway and I always knew it so I guess I'm glad it's out. 

"Yeah. I love you but like I said, I can't." I tell him, probably confusing him. 

“Why can’t you? I don’t see why we can’t be together if we both feel the same way. You say you want to be with me but then tell me you can’t. How am I supposed to react to that?” he says, his voice rising slightly but he still isn’t yelling and that makes me realize he’s really serious about this. He doesn’t want to scare me off or force me to stay because he could’ve have done that easily by now. He's staying calm because what he wants to say is important. It breaks my heart. 

“You're making it harder.” I say, my voice is quiet. “This is why I didn't want to know how you felt. If you had just said you hated me instead of returning my feelings, then I could've left without hurting you too.” I say. He steps away from the door and comes over to me but I step back. He doesn’t come any closer but I can see he wants to. 

"Izaya, I'm not saying you should change your whole world view or your philosophies or whatever. I don't want you to. All I want is for you to give yourself a chance at happiness with me. I've never loved anyone before and I'm not sure how to do it but I don't think that it's something I should ignore. Look, you can't know for sure that we can't be together without you having to change. Just give this a chance." He pleads. I feel awful, I just want him to understand. 

"You don't think I want to?" I say louder than I intended. "Can't you see it's breaking my heart to say these things to you? I- I just can't do this, especially with you looking at me like I make no sense. It makes me doubt I'm doing the right thing. I have to get out of here before-" I don't get to finish. He grabs my hands and squeezes them. 

"If you have doubts let me prove to you that this is the right thing" he says, “I know I can make you happy. Let me just ask you one thing." He pauses, waiting for me to accept. I nod and he continues. "Okay, what if you don't have to love everyone, what if you only ever needed to love one?" he suggests. 

What? I didn't expect that from him. Is he saying that all I need his him? That's pretty big, too big. I'm so uncertain. I let myself wonder if he's right. I choose to love and accept everyone because it makes it easier to feel like I belong in this world but how can I know that's the only way. I've thought this way for a long time but that was before I met him. Ugh I wish I had never started this, why did I think it was a good idea to do this whole thing anyway? Sure I didn't think I'd get attached, I certainly never imagined I'd fall in love, but maybe he's right, maybe I could try. I want to and I've never wanted anything more. Maybe just this once I can let myself feel what I want to. His eyes are steady when I look into them. He's so certain, I believe him when he says he wants a chance to show me. Before I can talk myself out of it I reply.

"Maybe you're right." I say quietly, "I've never wanted anything as much as I want us to be together and maybe it's finally time for me to surrender to my feelings." He looks so happy and I hate how easy it is for him. “This isn’t easy for me to open up like this. I can't just let all my walls down right away, so I can't promise you anything, but I think I want to try and be happy. I won’t abandon my views but maybe you're right. Maybe I can still be with you without changing.” I can't believe what I'm saying but I don’t stop, there’s just something about him right now that makes me keep going. “Let me be clear. I want to be with you and only you but… “I harden my gaze. “If you ever break my heart I'll kill you." I say and I mean it. I'm not about to risk everything just for him to abandon me. He squeezes my hands and he looks at me with such an intense expression. 

“I would never break your heart. You can't promise anything but I can. I can promise you that I won’t leave you, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.” He says, sincerely. 

I swallow hard, I'm so not prepared for any of this, I'm not used to promises and kisses that mean more than what they are. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do now. I look down at my hands in his and I realize I'm shaking a little. I feel nervous but I didn’t think I was that nervous. He must see how unsure I am because he pulls me closer to him and he lets go of my hands and he wraps his arms around me, holding me close to him. I relax into him and wrap my own arms around him. I feel so secure. I don’t need to say anything, he knows how I feel already and he’s trying to tell me he’ll be here for me. I let him hold me, I’ve always wanted this. Just wanted someone to be here for me, that’s all. I realize how lonely I’ve been, how even though I love humans not one has ever loved me back. Not until now. Shizuo lets me go and the absence of his warmth has me shivering even though I still have my coat on. 

His apartment is so quiet, I hear a faint ticking of a clock and that’s all. I look at him, willing him to say something, anything so I won’t have to. He brushes a piece of hair away from my face and his voice is as kind as I’ve ever heard it.

“If its alright with you, I’d like to show you how I feel now.” He says. I start to panic because I hadn’t thought about what would happen after this. We’ve had sex plenty of times but this time will be different, this time will be the start of something. It will mean we really do love each other. 

“I-I'm not sure I'm ready for this.” I say, aware of how stupid I sound. 

“That’s okay, I can tell you're nervous but you know, we’ve done this before right?” he says lightly, trying to calm me down.

“I know that.” I say, “its just this time, well… won’t it mean something this time?” I ask. 

He smiles at me. “Izaya, I hate to tell you this, but it's meant something to me for a long time now. I’ve just wished that I could touch you the way I wanted to. I want to be gentle with you, I want to make you feel how much I care. All the times before was just lust and wanting, a need that I had for you to be mine but now that you are I want to do this with you properly.” 

He’s so honest and it actually makes me feel better. I think I want to experience what he’s talking about. I’ve never been with anyone in that way but with Shizuo I know I can trust him, I know I can be open and vulnerable because he’s open and vulnerable too. I stat to unzip my coat.

“Alright. I want to do this with you.” I say and that’s all I can get out. It turns out it's good enough because he’s already kissing me and I haven’t even gotten my coat off. It's another soft kiss, full of meaning and it makes my heart flutter. I hardly notice when my coat falls to the ground. I break our kiss for a split second so I can pull his sweater off over his head. He takes off my shirt and his own and we resume kissing all the while trying to make it to the bedroom. 

I don’t feel nervous anymore, I just want him. I need him. We finally make it to his room and before I know it I'm lying on my back and he’s dropping his pants and boxers and I pull off my own pants and boxers and then we become a tangled mess of arms and legs. His breath is hot and heavy and I can't get enough of him. He’s laying on top of me, kissing me, making my head spin and I wrap my legs and arms around him and try to pull him closer. He lets me and I move my hands up and bury them in his hair.

I feel him relax on top of me, its like we’re melting together, like his body and mine are one. In between kisses I try to speak, try to tell him I love him but it doesn’t seem like its enough. I try instead to show him. I break our kiss and he looks down at me trying to read my expression in the dimly lit room. I grab his hand and place it over my heart so he can feel how fast it is beating. He laces his other hand in mine and I know he understands. After that I can't describe how he made me feel. He was like somebody else, somebody who knew how not to break the things he loved. His rough hands slid all over my body, every place he touched he heated up and I wanted more. He kissed my neck and I dug my fingernails into his back, knowing it wouldn’t hurt him. He was being so gentle with me just like he’d said.

This was better than all the times we’ve done it before. With every move he made I could tell he wanted me. It wasn't an insatiable hunger kind of want either, it was different. It was like he wanted me to have him. He was giving himself to me and I never wanted him more. We moved as one, there was no one on top or on bottom, we we’re just two bodies coming together to form one. I lost all ability to think, I touched him and he touched me and I have no idea how long we managed to last until we were finally both out of breath and completely satisfied, laying side by side on the bed, hands clasped together. 

I think I made the right decision by staying. Had I left I would’ve never know that this kind of love existed. I turn to look at Shizuo who had gotten up and started to clean himself off. This man, whom at one point I had hated, was now the one I loved, the only person I could let myself love. I still don't know if it was right to make an exception for him but I don’t really care. I want to be selfish for a change. I sit up and he passes me a warm cloth. I get cleaned up and then I don’t know what to do. I usually just leave after this but I know I can't do that now. 

“So, um. What now?” I ask, knowing I sound stupid.

Shizuo doesn’t answer he just walks over to his dresser and he pulls out two pairs of pajama bottoms. He flings a pair at me.

“You're staying obviously.” He states as if it’s the most logical thing ever. 

I slide off the bed and put the pants on.

“Of course I am” I say and he smiles at me and passes me a shirt. It’s way too big but I put it on. I catch him looking at me and his smile widens.

“What?” I ask him. He shakes his head.

“Its nothing, you just look really cute in my clothes.” He says, laughing a little.

My cheeks are hot and I don’t know what to say. He comes over to me and places his hands on my shoulders.

“Don’t worry Izaya, you’ll get used to my compliments in not time. I know its weird but these are things I’ve been thinking but never saying out loud, but now you're going to hear it all. Things like how great I think you look are just the beginning.” He says, smiling and I realize that I can do the same thing too. It just occurred to me that I don’t have to hide what I'm thinking either. 

“Well if that’s the case, I feel the need to warn you that I’ve had some pretty dirty thoughts about you. Would you like to hear those?” I say teasingly. 

His eyes go wide. “I would, but some other time. You’ve gotta be careful because if you say the right thing, well never get any sleep tonight.” He says. 

My heart feels fuller than ever before. I should have done this sooner. Just talking with him is nice. He moves to pull back the covers on the bed and gestures for me to get in. I do and he nestles in beside me, turning off the one lamp beside his side of the bed. Its weird to be sleeping with someone else. I have never slept in someone else bed before. I turn away from his face and I feel his arm wrap around waist. 

“Goodnight.” he whispers. 

“Night.” I say back as if it’s the most natural thing ever. He’s warm and I feel incredibly safe and comfortable. I place my arm over his and I snuggle back into him and close my eyes. I think that I could get used to this, very used this. In no time he’s asleep and I drift off to the soft sounds of him snoring. 

When I wake in the morning I flip over to face him. He’s still sleeping and he looks so peaceful and beautiful. His bedhead is adorable and I know that I'm incredibly lucky to have him. This whole thing may have started off as no strings attached but were definitely intertwined now. Too much to ever be untangled. I'm not scared by this anymore. I want to be tied to him, there’s nothing wrong with that and I know that now. 

Shizuo opens his eyes and he blinks, before he’s even fully awake I kiss him. I feel him smile against my mouth and that makes me smile too. This is definitely the happiest morning of my life and there’s no way I'm getting up yet. 

“I'm glad I stayed.” I tell him, my voice still sleepy.

He pulls me into him and we stay stuck together like that all morning. Neither of us moving until the sunlight pouring through the window is too bright to ignore. 

Turns out, that morning was just one of many wonderful ones. Shizuo was true to his word and he never broke my heart. I was able to keep being who I wanted to be and I never once regretted staying that night. I'm sitting at my desk and my phone buzzes. Shizuo's name is on my screen. I smile. I love it when he calls and I pick up every time, without pause or hesitation.


End file.
